Against a Wall of Sleep

 

            Raphael woke to the sound of what seemed a dozen birds outside of his window, regretting the fact that morning had arrived hours before his preferred time. He leaned up on one elbow and looked at the calendar across the room to confirm his nagging suspicion that it was mid-week and he had three more days of school before the weekend. Ravenously hungry, he took a quick shower, hurried down the stairs, and poured himself a massive bowl of Captain Crunch with only ten minutes to eat, brush his teeth and get to the bus stop.

              The meal went down quickly, he hurriedly brushed his teeth, hugged his mother goodbye, and followed the Johnson girl to the bus stop, her skirt so short he could occasionally catch glimpses of her underwear, something about which he had never before thought. True, she was three grades older than he, but he couldn't resist the temptation to watch her hips shift from side to side, feeling himself grow warmer with each minute.

              He maintained his position behind her as they waited for the bus, taking a seat directly across from her to not miss this unusual opportunity to see her legs basically uncovered by her skirt, a view he had never before considered but something had apparently changed over night in his mind and passions. Walking behind her as they departed the bus, he parted ways as she ascended the stairs to the upper classmen hallway and he to the right to his own locker.

              The last period of the day arrived, and he quickly changed into his shorts and t-shirt for gym class, to engage in a rousing round of dodgeball. Normally quick on his feet, he tended to dominate the field but today was different as he couldn't drive the images of the Johnson girl from his mind, distracting him and tormenting him when nothing else seeming important at that moment. Like an explosion going off in his head, his vision filled with white stars, followed by the uproarious laughter of his three best friends, watching him drop to the ground.

              He struggled to his feet and sat on the sidelines to watch the rest of the game unfold without him. His vision was doubled for a few moments, and he closed his eyes with the hope that it would clear up sooner than later. After a few minutes in darkness and rest, he opened his eyes, relieved that his vision had cleared but everyone in the game seemed to have taken on a blank, expressionless, emotionless demeanor. While the game continued, there was no joy, no excitement, and no emotional responses to wins and losses.

              Like every other boy in his class, he remained in his gym clothes, gathered his things, and hurried to the bus, to find the same strange emotionless air, identical to the game earlier. He remained close to the front as the idea of mixing in with such bizarre behavior made his skin crawl. Counting each stop as he drew closer to home, he couldn't get off the bus fast enough to turn and watch his classmates, normally talkative and friendly, stare blankly into nothingness as he simply saw everything.

              A feeling of emptiness and solitude continued to build within him as walked back to his house, wondering about what had happened. Was the blow to his head the cause of his new awareness on his part and the strange, disconnected behavior from his classmates? Life suddenly seemed like the high view from an airplane, looking down upon the mindless masses who simply followed the rules and protocol, failing to question why.

              He greeted his mother as he entered the house, relieved to see that everything at home seemed perfectly normal. After enjoying a couple of homemade cookies and short talk, he went to his room and lay down on his bed to make sense of the day. The slight headache from the dodgeball had cleared up, making him think that the blow had triggered some sort of change in his mental wiring.

              After dinner, he explained to his parents that he had been struck in the head by a dodge ball and needed to lie down early, as he wasn't quite feeling right. He lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering if the blow to the head had rattled his brain and was making him hallucinate. He stood in the shower that evening, running the water more cool than warm, listening to nothingness and wondering if his life had taken a radical and inexplicable change, elevating him above everyone else, giving him an insight into a new reality. It was another normal evening at home until ten o'clock clicked by like a reminder to go to bed, to only wake the next morning with a feeling of dread and concern.

              He woke to his alarm, ate a leisurely breakfast, and arrived at the bus stop long before the Johnson girl, keeping his attention elsewhere. He sat near the front of the bus, experiencing the same view as the day before but the bus was eerily quiet, as if everyone had been put on mute. He made a mental note to observe other vehicles on the road, to see only more of the same.

              He turned around to look, confused by the lack of activity, the lack of sound, and the lack of any conversation. The view that filled his vision was a strange one, as everyone sat motionless, blank, and emotionless, their eyes open but practically asleep and thoughtless. As he sat down in first period, his classmates remained the same zombie-like dullards, his teacher delivering a flat, monotone lecture about the storming of Normandy Beach, which should have been thrilling and motivating, but was simply dry.

              As the school day progressed, Raphael found himself staring at the floor in order to avoid seeing or making eye contact with his mindless classmates, as their presence and gaze was only empty and depressing, something he knew he needed to avoid. This vision created an ache in him, something for which he had no answer or response, other than disdain and revulsion. There was no pill that could remove this, and he began to fear for his own sanity. His mind went back to his previous thoughts about being elevated above everyone, as if on an airplane watching a mindless herd. But he came to realize that it was more like being on a mountain top, as his awareness, his understanding, and his superiority became even more pronounced than before.

              Every detail, every moment, every observation only continued to refine, clarify, and enhance his mental activity, and he ached to think that the rest of his life would be a continual ascension above and beyond everyone. He continually reminded himself that his own family seemed to be oblivious to the changes that he had begun to realize. Interaction with his father, his mother, and even his little sister was an anchor to keep him grounded in some respect.

              "If the change is only with me," he thought, "I wonder what everyone else is seeing or not seeing, especially in regard to me? Have I embraced something that no one else can even begin to imagine?" Like a whirlwind, everything entered his mind and heart, making sense, connecting, and revealing conclusions to make sense of life. As time continued to pass, he lost all interest in even trying to interact with anyone, except his family, as it felt like discussing calculus with a farm animal.

              As weeks and months passed, the sight of friends, and fellow students became so normal that he trained himself to ignore the emptiness and create situations where he could do good and help others. This became his new normal as everyone else seemed to be sleeping and completely unaware of this reality, mindlessly walking through life as if immersed in darkness and ignorance, which, he realized, they were.

              He was torn in his overall response to the new world in which he lived. Something happened to him that one night, to wake up to a new type of awareness of the pretty Johnson girl and the dodge ball blow to the head. Without one, the other would not have happened, and he wouldn't be on the trajectory of doing good and helping. He hated the emptiness and solitude that surrounded them all, but he loved the idea of doing good and right.

              On the last day of school, he wondered how the summer would flow, would progress, and how limited his ability would be in helping others drive away the undeniable contrast between he and they. "It's like they are all walking through life with blindfolds, or sleeping on an airplane, too high to see the details of their existence, or merely distracted by those things they choose to entertain themselves, living as if nothing else mattered."

              School became easy, graduation was quick and early, leaving him relieved that the mind-numbing lack of interaction would pass as well. It was when he finally wrote it all down that he realized that his existence was one of solitude, lack of interaction with anyone capable of conversation that he would find enriching and challenging. He was alone, empty, and lacking anything that would challenge him to keep his mind active.

              He then devoted himself to finding solutions to problems that plagued the world, even if no one else could understand what he was doing.