A Sad Shriveled Soul

 

The sight of every brown bottle made his stomach turn, his jaw ache, and his heart quiver at the thought of what followed after the contents of said bottle were drained. He had gone through life from infancy through high school watching his father down two six packs most evenings, hating his life, feeling inadequate and weak in the face of anger and abuse. Like a weight lifted off of his shoulders, his transition from high school to university gave him a freedom he had never before experienced.

Much to his own surprise, he found himself imitating his father every weekend, drinking cheap beer with his college buddies and playing the female field to give himself a feeling of control and domination, moving from one girl to the next each weekend. After six months of earning a reputation as an insensitive and abusive boyfriend, he eventually found that a secret circle of communication had built up, cutting off his supply of willing and needy girls.

Simon sat alone on one particular weekend, drinking cheap beer, watching movies, and laughing about his innumerable sexual conquests with his three roommates. His fourth year of university was drawing close to an end, and he had built up a list of job possibilities, trusting that his good grades and manipulative personality would land him a job in IT that would pay well. After graduation and three job interviews, he finally received a job offer, which much to his delight was in a company in his hometown.

He began the new job, doing well in the role, but remained alone for the next decade, knowing that he had sullied his own name with most of the females in his age category in his hometown. As he worked the job, he saw the company begin to downsize, laying off department after department, until he too received a pink slip with his paycheck, informing him that his role would cease to exist within three weeks.

With his disappointing news in hand, he once again began his new job search, hoping to find something comparable in or close to his home, not wanting to move out of state or across the country. Simon made a goal of sending out at least two job applications each day and after twenty-six applications were sent, he received a phone call requesting an in-person interview. He was happy to learn that the job was in a nearby town and while not exactly an IT position, it did involve data type of work.

After the interview, he received an offer for the position and as he arrived on his first day, he learned that he and another individual would be working together to create some order and rationale to the current data system. The role turned out to be a lump of clay in his hands, having the freedom to organize and form the role into his own vision. As the next five years passed, he and his co-worker continued to add people to the department, further enhancing and refining the end goal, bringing order out of chaos.

As time passed, he worked hard to put on a face of excellence, superiority, and control, struggling to keep his insecurity and the self-loathing hidden from his boss and co-workers. He understood that this unceasing passion to control and manipulate others, shaping them into what he desired to be, was a reaction to his early years of being controlled and overpowered by those in authority over him.

It was when Roger became part of the team that he finally met his match. This man was not one to be manipulated or controlled, for his intelligence and skills vastly exceeded Simon’s. While it was undeniable that Simon was very good at what he did, he was, as much as he hated to admit it, not really that intelligent or thoughtful. He distracted himself with sports, with entertainment, with beer, and finally with a woman who agreed to be his wife.

It was with the addition of children that gave him an even great feeling of power and control, now having a spouse and children to control and direct. He knew he was weak willed, manipulative, and selfish, doing all that he could to create the image of power and control. It was with creating the right image and impression that he could fool himself and others into thinking that he was something that he actually was not.

As the years passed, he grew more and more frustrated as he eventually learned that he would never control Roger, that Roger would never become another version of himself, and he began to become desperate in his drive to win this battle. As much as he hated losing, he refused to give up the fight, pushing harder and harder to control every detail. In the deepest part of his soul, he knew that this was a battle he could not win, but he continued to manipulate the situation, he continued to try to deceive those around him about what was actually taking place.

As he could feel his soul withering and shrinking, he became more and more desperate to overcome what seemed to be an inevitable loss. But being the irrational and self-centered person that he was, he continued to fight, turning his frustration and anger towards others around him, needing an outlet to convince himself that he would eventually win.

With nothing else toward which to vent his frustration, he could see Roger flourishing and succeeding in every endeavor in which he poured himself. The frustration of seeing Roger succeed was too much stress on his already shriveling soul. He became desperate and did all that he could to sully Roger’s reputation, but all of those who knew Roger recognized his goodness, his kindness, and his unwavering willingness to pour himself entirely into his role.

As more time passed, Roger’s reputation only continued to grow and his abilities continued to be recognized as remarkable, helpful, and a great addition to the company. Simon could feel himself becoming more and more desperate as he dried up on the inside, watching himself succumb to frustration and watch Roger constantly improve in every area of his life, receiving adulation and words of thanks for all of his contribution to the success of the company.

He came home on a particular Tuesday to find an empty house, an empty bank account, and a note from his wife, declaring him persona non grata, warning him to not bother looking for her and the children. He could feel the rage building up in him as he thought about the anger, the abuse, and the hatred from his childhood. He thumbed through his wallet to find enough cash for two six packs from the corner store.

He sat alone in the relatively empty house, drinking himself into oblivion, finally alone, and finally reaping the fruit of his life of empty distraction, selfishness, and deception. He woke the next morning more than three hours after his normal start time at work, to see five voice mails on his phone, from an angry boss, confused co-workers, and a single warning from his wife, again reiterating her warning to not look for her.

He placed a call to his boss, explaining the dire situation in which he found himself, hoping for mercy and understanding but only received accusations of excuse making. He found out later that despite all of his false imagery, his manipulation, and his attempts at deception, all of it failed to deceive anyone, everyone knowing that he was an empty, cold, heartless, and selfish person, who cared only for himself and his bank account, which, at this point was now empty.

He had spent the last twenty years of his life trying to build a positive image of himself but found that no one had any words of commendation or support for him as he struggled to find another job in an IT type of position. He again began his habit of sending out two applications a day to eventually receive no offers, no phone calls, and no interest. As weeks passed, he placed a few phone calls to the positions which seemed to offer the best possibility, to learn that no one from his work history gave any recommendation for him.

With his last phone call, he received the message, “Karma can be an ugly thing.” Now angry and desperate, he gave up searching for work in his field of specialty and settled for a job driving a delivery truck for a bread company. With each delivery, he could feel anger and hatred burning holes in his soul, leaving him frustrated and full of despair, loneliness, and frustration.