Sufficient or Ideal

 

                Madeline rose that particular morning just as the sun was peeking over the distant hills, she pulled herself from her warm and cozy bed, took a quick shower, and descended to the kitchen to put together lunches for the children and prepare breakfast for everyone before they departed for school. In what seemed to be a whirlwind of activity, after about forty-five minutes she stood alone in a warm and quiet house, wondering what the day would bring.

               “I need a short break,” she grumbled to herself, “I certainly have some free time to sit on the couch, scroll through social media, and think about what to make for dinner.” Collapsing in a heap with her feet up on the arm rest of the couch, she spent the next thirty minutes distracting herself with funny cat videos, messages from friends and family, to then think about the possibilities for dinner.

               “I should probably search through the freezer and the cupboards to see what options I have for the evening meal,” she said out loud, despite being alone. Pulling herself to her feet, she searched the freezer to realize that there was no meat to prepare. “Ugh, looks like I’ll need to make a trip to the grocery store sooner than later.”

               After fifteen minutes in her closet and the bathroom, working to make herself presentable, she eventually found her keys and began the trip across town with a mental list of what was needed to prepare dinner. Ten minutes into her trip, she drove past a small collection of tents that belonged to homeless people. “Wow,” she thought, “that must really be difficult living like that, no warmth, no family, and no hot food. It would be good to do something nice for those in need.”

               She parked as close to the grocery store entrance as she could, retrieved a cart near the main entrance, started on the right side of the store and worked her way across the entire building, eventually finding everything she needed. “I should pick up a couple of those deli chickens for the homeless people,” she thought, “maybe I’ll get a couple burritos for myself for lunch too.”

               Paying for the groceries from the shared bank account, she pushed the now bagged groceries to her car to transfer everything into the trunk. As she drove away, she slowed and stopped at the collection of tents to hand out the deli chickens to a group of young women and children who were genuinely thankful for her kind gesture. “Thank you so much, ma’am,” one of the young women said, “this is a difficult life and it seems like no one cares to help.”

“Yes, of course, I am more than happy to help,” Madeline said.

“Phew, okay, time to go home and enjoy my burritos,” she thought. As she pulled into her driveway, she pressed the garage door opener, pulled inside, pressed the button a second time and began hauling the bags of groceries into the house. “So warm, so safe, so clean,” she said out loud, despite being alone. “Let’s see, I have at least six hours before I need to start preparing dinner, I should probably spend some time cleaning and organizing so I don’t waste more time on social media.”

Four o’clock in the afternoon arrived faster than she expected, reminding her that she needed to begin preparing dinner before her spouse and children arrived home. “You know, I think I have a few minutes that I can run to the grocery store again and give some more food to those poor people, let’s see how that goes.”

After a quick trip to the deli section, she returned to the collection of tents, delivered much more food than the first time, and was pulled into a conversation with an elderly man who clearly had not bathed in many weeks. “You look all nice and clean,” he said, “you should try living like the rest of us for a while so you understand what life is like for those who do not enjoy great abundance.”

“Have a good day, sir,” she said. “Enjoy your meal and I hope you can find a good path forward for yourself.” She gave friendly goodbyes and hugs to the multitude of young women with their children and drove home to park in her clean and safe garage.

Passing through her back porch, family room, and kitchen, she sprawled out on the living room floor to stare into the ceiling, hearing the old man’s words replay in her mind multiple times. “You know, he’s probably right, I really have no idea what a difficult and hungry life is really like,” she thought. “I think I’ll leave a note, change my clothes into something practical and walk back to the collection of tents and understand a different life.”

She scribbled out a note, changed into practical and comfortable clothes to begin her walk back to the homeless encampment, leaving everything else behind. As she approached, she was greeted in a most friendly way by everyone there, was invited into a tent by a young mother. “You can stay with me, if you’d like,” she said. “We women need to look out for one another; there are a lot of very bad men out there who will take advantage of you if you don’t know how to hide and protect yourself.”

Two weeks passed and she began to truly comprehend what real hunger actually felt like, what living without a bath felt like and how dangerous the world actually was for someone without love and protection. “I need to figure out how to get some money,” she grumbled. She crawled out of the tent, sat on a small box near the road, and began interacting with multiple different men, offering the use of her body in exchange for money. “This is really disgusting,” she thought, “at least now I know what an uncomfortable life feels like.”

She spent the next six weeks offering herself multiple times a day in exchange for money. When she had collected enough money to buy herself food and clothes, she walked to the grocery store to use their restroom to clean herself and buy new clean clothes and a healthy meal. It was then that she noticed warts and sores appearing on her body, terrified at the likely outcome of her life choices.

“This is crazy,” she thought, “maybe I’ll return to the house and see if everyone is doing alright.” Now clean and presentable, she walked back to her former residence to find that the locks had been changed and a different family now lived in the house. “Well, I guess I can go visit extended family members and find some help.”

After visiting four different addresses, she received only rejection because of her abandonment of everyone who she said she loved and who formerly loved her. “It seems I have no other choice but to return to the collection of tents and continue this life of selling myself. I should try to find a clinic that can provide some medicine for whatever it is that is wrong with me.”

Walking in the opposite direction, she found a free medical clinic, entered, and sought help for her health struggles. A nurse took her to a small examination room, told her to undress, and put on a gown in order to be examined and properly treated. She did as she was told, put on the gown, laid down on the examination table and waited for the doctor to arrive. The doctor and two nurses entered the room and began a thorough examination of her, searching every inch of skin, and every orifice.

“My name is Madeline,” she said when asked.

“We are seeing at least three different STD’s Madeline,” the doctor said. “We have medicine we can give you to clear these from your body. I strongly recommend that you cease all sexual activity so you don’t spread these diseases to anyone else or pick up any other diseases in the meantime.”

The doctor and one of the nurses left the room, while the second nurse helped Madeline to her feet, instructed her to change back into her clothes and wait at the counter for her medicine to be given to her. Madeline did as she was told, thankful for gaining understanding of her medical condition, and instructions on how to proceed in life for the next several months. The nurse left the room, Madeline removed the gown, changed into her own clothing and waited at the front desk to receive her medicine.

She left the clinic, returned to her former residence, knocked on the door and was greeted by a young couple who invited her inside. “Hello, she said, “I used to live here, could you tell me to where the former owners moved?”

“I’m sorry,” the young woman said, “we have no idea where they went. We can give you the name of the real estate agent that handled the transaction, he may be able to give you some information.” The young man rose to his feet, entered the kitchen, and returned with a business card. “You can call him at this number or you can visit him at his office at this address,” he said, “I’m sorry we were unable to help you with this.”

Madeline stood up, shook hands with both of them, and left the house to begin the long walk to the real estate office, as she had no cellphone. “This is crazy,” she said to herself as she walked, “hopefully the agent can give me information of some value.” She walked for nearly an hour, entered the office and asked for the agent. She was directed to wait for a few minutes as the agent would be out to assist her with her needs.

A middle-aged man emerged from the hallway, invited her to follow him to his office, where they both sat down and she shared her story with him, her bad choices, and her need to find her family that she had abandoned so long ago.

“I’m sorry, Madeline,” he said, “I do not know to where the former owners of that home moved. I have a feeling that they moved out of the area, as I did not see a sale in their name recently. I wish you the best of luck as you move forward with your life.”

Madeline left his office, left the building, and began her walk back toward the collection of tents, feeling sick at the idea of what she had given up, hating the idea of going back to selling herself for money. As she entered the collection of tents, she was warmly welcomed and entered the tent that was formerly her place of safety. “I cannot do this any longer,” she thought. “I made a long string of bad choices, now what do I do?”

She exited the tent, walked toward the highway, found an overpass, waited for the traffic to thin out and speed up, giving her the opportunity to throw herself off of the overpass to be crushed upon landing on the blacktop and driven oven by a truck and trailer. A horrible feeling of despair, loss, and failure engulfed her as she ascended away from her body, wondering what had happened to her family that she abandoned so long ago.