Selfishness Rather Than Love

 

            Jonathan looked back on the last ten years of his life and began to wonder if there was something wrong with him that he had failed to recognize or acknowledge after so many years. Instead of relying on his limited knowledge and selfish perspective of his reality, he began developing the idea of speaking with other people who had known him for many years, seeking advice, seeking wisdom and seeking help for redirecting his life and energy.

               After spending the next three months speaking with those older and wiser than him, he finally came to an understanding of his slightly skewed perspective of reality, his errant focus of seeking after comfort, pleasure, and earning as much money as he could. After each conversation with the four other people, he began to document what they saw in his life, what they viewed in him as what seemed to be important to him and he became extremely self-critical of his lifestyle.

               When the three months of critical self-analysis came to an end, he poured a great deal of effort into embracing those things that his chosen teachers communicated to him. He eventually came to the realization that he had not been living a selfish life, or a life that focused on pleasure and comfort, he finally understood that he was putting others ahead of himself, and was struggling to be a positive influence with everyone he met and knew.

               The calendar year came to an end and he met a wonderful young lady who appeared to be very interested in forming a long-term relationship with him. He and she began spending a great deal of time together, working hard to make wise, godly, and life enhancing decisions. After three years of selfless interaction, he could feel himself drawing closer and closer to her, and he could also she her drifting away from him with her focus on being comfortable and seeking after pleasure and entertainment.

               Growing concerned with this tragic misdirection in her life, he began seeking wisdom and guidance from others, wondering if he should propose to her and begin a family with her. After speaking with ten different people, most of those he approached for wisdom and help, he received negative affirmations from them, all of those who spoke negatively, warned him that making a permanent connection with her could likely draw him away from a life of holiness, a life of self-sacrifice, and a slow transition toward a life of worldliness.

               Jonathan spent the next three months carefully thinking through the direction and advice that he received from those older and wiser than him. When his three months of mental cogitation came to an end, he observed that this young lady was moving away from him and was allowing herself to be distracted by a life of pleasure, comfort, and mindless entertainment. He practiced the intended conversation over and over in his mind for the next two weeks, guessing her possible responses to his decision to sever their relationship.

               He finally settled in his heart with the reality that a life focused on pursuing holiness, and turning away from the pleasures and distractions of this world would be to his advantage. When he finally settled on how and when he would have this discussion with the young lady, he carefully documented what he would say and what her possible responses could be and how he would respond to them.

               He continued to push the date out for having this discussion with her, and finally he contacted her, asked her to join him for a picnic on the following weekend at the local park. Terribly nervous when her picked her up from her parent’s home, they first visited the grocery store to buy their favorite food stuffs from the deli. Now with a full basket of wonderful food, he parked his car near the park, giving them a few minutes to walk in the glorious sunshine, to eventually find an empty picnic table. They began their meal, enjoyed the fried chicken, potato salad and red wine.

               He could feel his heart twisting in knots as he struggled to find the right words to begin the conversation about how it would be in both their best interest if they severed their relationship. They finished their meal and began a slow walk around the lake, enjoying the beauty of the day, and he carefully began the conversation. Articulating that he was seeing her pull away from him and becoming more distracted by the pleasures and vain entertainment of their culture.

               They completed their walk around the lake, returned to his car, and as they drove back into town to return to her parent’s home, he could feel her becoming frosty toward him, saying that she was terribly disappointed that their relationship had to end this way. “Honestly my dear,” he said, “from what I have observed in both of us, it seems that we are moving in different directions and I’m afraid that if we unite in marriage, we will both be miserable and focused on different lifestyles.”

               They began a slow drive through town, he pulled into her parent’s driveway, parked his car, opened her door for her and walked her to the front door to say goodbye one last time. “I hope things go well for you in the future and that you find someone who fits your preferred lifestyle,” he said. They shared a brief hug, said goodbye and he returned to his car, offering a brief wave as he drove away.

               As he departed alone, he could feel his heart growing cold, empty, and disappointed. Struggling with this terrible loss, he had previously convinced himself that he thought he had found the right girl who would become his wife, allowing him to start a new life that would give him the opportunity to love, embrace, and protect. With visions of starting a family, he parked in front of his apartment building, trudged up the stairs, pushed into his apartment, collapsed on his bed, and rested for a few minutes.

               He crawled off of his bed, undressed, took a shower, put on his pajamas and upon returning to his bedroom he found a lengthy text message from the young lady, expressing her deep disappointment that their relationship came to such an unfortunate end. He quickly replied, explaining that from his perspective it seemed that they were no longer a good fit for one another. “I truly believe that you will find someone who is in alignment with your chosen lifestyle, I believe you are wonderful young lady and I pray that your life will be one that is fulfilling and satisfying. I hope that we can remain friends as time passes.”

               He crawled into bed and immediately fell asleep, when he arose the next morning, he sent an email to those who previously advised him about how or if to move forward in his relationship with the young lady. He explained that he cut off their relationship as he and she seemed to be moving in different directions and asked for their prayers that his life would continue moving toward love and holiness.

               After getting dressed that morning, he ate breakfast and received four phone calls from some of those he emailed, thanking him for keeping them informed, and that they would certainly be praying for him. Each one encouraged him to focus on love and holiness, with a desire to make the world a good and holy place. He spent the rest of his day cleaning his apartment, and finally began to realize that he should be considering the young ladies in his parish as potential wives.

               Sunday morning arrived; he arrived at church extra early to discuss his situation with the head priest. He strongly emphasized his desire to find a godly wife, start a family, and make an effort to positively influence those around him. Before their conversation came to an end, the priest suggested two young ladies who he believed would be good choices for him as a wife. The Divine Liturgy came to an end and everyone left the sanctuary and entered the dining hall to enjoy a glorious meal.

               Jonathan stood in the corner and carefully scanned through the mass of people who stood together in pleasant social interaction. As he watched them all, he made the decision to approach and speak with at least two young ladies in his parish and see if a new relationship could be formed, which he hoped would lead to the creation of a godly family.